Childhood Emotional Neglect- What is it?
Since I use an attachment-based approach, I often ask my clients about their childhood. Many times, they share that they have close relationships with their families and express gratitude for the support and stability of their home environment. Some even mention that they "never saw their parents have a fight." On the surface, this might seem like an idyllic upbringing. However, when I delve deeper and ask, "Who would you go to if you were sad, angry, or upset?" the response is sometimes, "No one."
As we explore further, clients often reveal feelings of numbness, low self-esteem, perfectionism, difficulty forming close relationships, and struggles with trust. What is going on here? My curiosity led me to the concept of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN).
What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?
Janice Webb provides a clear and powerful definition of CEN: it is the failure of primary caregivers to respond adequately to a child’s emotional needs. Unlike emotional abuse, which is characterized by specific harmful actions, CEN is about the absence of necessary actions—a misattunement or lack of emotional support. Because it stems from what didn’t happen, CEN is often invisible and difficult to articulate. Clients may struggle to recall specific incidents or explain what feels "off" about their upbringing, making the impact of CEN elusive yet profound.
Emotional Neglect vs. Emotional Abuse
To clarify, emotional abuse involves the presence of harmful behaviors—words, actions, or events that the individual can typically recount in detail. In contrast, emotional neglect is defined by what is missing: the absence of adequate emotional engagement and support. This absence leaves no concrete memory to recount, which can make its effects harder to recognize and validate.
The Emotional Fallout of CEN
In therapy, I have observed that individuals with CEN often experience immense guilt as they come to terms with their experiences. Despite having had a “good” childhood on the surface, they might feel defensive or fiercely loyal to their parents, even to the point of blaming themselves for their struggles. This internalized guilt can manifest as perfectionism, with a relentless drive to prove their worth and avoid making mistakes.
A child who experiences CEN may grow up struggling to understand and manage their emotions. Without modeling or validation from their caregivers, they can feel disconnected from their own feelings and find it challenging to form safe, secure relationships with others. Many describe feeling different from those around them, yet they cannot quite identify why. This sense of "otherness" can further isolate them and perpetuate feelings of inadequacy.
How Therapy Can Help
Janice Webb offers a wealth of resources on CEN, including a questionnaire to help individuals identify its presence in their lives. In therapy, we can work together to:
Understand and explore your emotions.
Improve perspective-taking and develop greater self-awareness.
Practice assertiveness and learn to express your needs.
Engage in inner child healing to address unmet emotional needs.
Take an attachment perspective to understand how you view yourself, how you express your needs, and how you respond to others.
CEN is often invisible, but its impact doesn’t have to remain hidden. Together, we can bring it to light, unravel its effects, and help you build a more emotionally connected and fulfilling life. If this resonates with you, know that healing is possible. Let's start the journey.